Like a Jewish Jesus, I have returned from a long soup-induced slumber to present to you a most treacherous tale of broth and brutality. It is my experience with a soup so dear to my heart, so ingrained in my very identity, that its bastardization is a destruction of all I hold to be true.
Let me begin with a history of the Jewish people. God chose Abraham from amongst the heathens, and told him his descendants would be as numerous as noodles in a broth. He then commanded Avraham to sacrifice his only son, but at the last second, he presented Avraham with a chicken, which he boiled in a pot of water.
Years passed. Lot's wife turned to salt when she had oversalted her broth. God sent a bland broth to engulf the sinners of the world. Moses led the Jewish people out of Egypt, only after turning the Egyptians' soup to blood.
God produced a miracle when the Maccabees' soup retained its flavor for eight days. When the Romans destroyed the Temple, the people wept as they had also destroyed Jerusalem's finest soup kitchen.
Onto the medieval ages. The English expelled the Jews because the Jews' soup tasted too good for English palates. The Jews were accused of poisoning soup during the Black Plague. The Spanish Inquisition tortured our people to learn their recipes.
The ignorant Cossacks massacred Jews because in their ignorance, they thought cold beet soups were actually good. And a certain beef-eating people thought their disgusting sausage and asparagus stews were the masters of all soups, and tried to wipe out Jewish broths completely.
All the suffering of Jewish history, all the strife, it was all worth it. Why? Because it culminated in something so perfect, so wonderful, so lovely, that it would turn the head of even the most ignorant shiksa. Five thousand years of suffering, and what did we get? We got matzo ball soup.
Some people ask me, is it spelled matzo or matzah? If you have to ask this question, you are a Jew. Mazel Tov.
Oh, matzo ball! A wonderful pillow of goodness, like the warm zaftig bosom of a Jewish woman. A warm remedy on a winter's day, a perfect antidote to a malady most severe.
This is why the matzo ball soup at hand was so anti-Semitic.
I got this soup from a certain (low-class) delicatessen near my house. I have seen various people write about the delis of LA, some getting disgusting concoctions (tuna fish sandwiches) at these delis. I would not even dare to try a tuna fish sandwich at this deli, as I would probably die (from the price).
This soup was much too buttery. And by much too buttery, I mean Protestant buttery. I mean anti-Semitically, Jew-hatingly buttery.
Then there was the salt. I felt like this salting was the third destruction of the Temple.
But let's get to the contents of the soup. And this was where the cardinal sin was committed. My friends, alas, there was celery in the soup. Whole pieces of celery. Whoever did this should be sent to the Hague to face a tribunal.
Putting celery in matzo ball soup is like putting graffiti on a Holocaust memorial.
But still, it's matzo ball soup, so, not too bad.
6.3/10
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